Struggle

This last week has been a struggle. It hasn't been an absolute terrible week by any means, it's just been a hard week. We already found out the sex of our baby a couple of weeks ago but had the big "anatomy scan" ultrasound on Monday at my regular doctors office. We thought this was just going to be a fun visit to get to see our baby again and let family come and see too. We had Heath's parents with us and even brought Allie Kate with us to the appointment (my mom was supposed to come but Jacob got sick at school). At first just me and Heath got to go back in the ultrasound room and everything looked good, they looked at his heart as well as all the other organs and spine and everything looked great according to the technician...still a boy :) Heaths parent's were allowed in and the lady was showing us profile pictures and hands and feet and then she just got quiet and didn't say much after that. I could tell she seemed flustered, she even forgot to record the heart rate of the baby, but I just thought maybe it was because there were so many people in the room. Next I had my doctor's appointment and everyone else left and went home. When my doctor came in the room she just said we were going to do another ultrasound at my next appointment because there was "just a tiny spot on the ultrasound that we want to get a second look at," so of course I asked what it could be and she said "it could be an amniotic band, not a big deal, don't freak out and DON'T google it." She made it sound so normal and like it was no big deal so I wasn't really worried and she didn't really go any further into explanation. I had blood work (which showed I am anemic...no big deal) and got in my car to go home...then I decided to google the "tiny" problem that I could possibly have (only to find out it isn't so tiny). I googled amniotic bands and about passed out when I saw the results...I literally lost my breath. I had never heard of this before and it is one of the most awful gruesome things I have ever seen...it's pitiful :( Pretty much part of the amniotic sac ruptures and leaves "string like" strands floating in the fluid, those then can attach and wrap around parts of the baby and cause deformities, amputations, and even death if it wraps around the head, abdomen, or the cord. Amniotic bands are extremely rare but they cause problems most of the time they are present. I literally cried so hard I could not breath. How could something like this happen? I have two perfect babies and I just saw my 3rd perfect baby on the ultrasound with all of his toes and fingers and to think something that could possibly deform or even kill my child is in there with him literally made me sick to my stomach. Needless to say I called my doctor as soon as her office opened Tuesday morning and the nurse informed me she had been working in OB for years and had never even heard of amniotic bands and we could move my appointment up to 2 weeks instead of 4. I literally was emotionally drained and physically drained from worrying. I would be fine and then all of a sudden burst into tears and have a pity party...hot mess here! I worried that....my baby wouldn't have limbs, fingers or toes, that he could die, that he would never walk, wondered why he wasn't moving a lot (because if they become entangled in the bands the baby cannot move freely...so I wanted to feel him move constantly), then I worried he moved too much and would become entangled in the band. WORRY is not fun and it will literally wear you out. I did not want to worry anyone else so we only told our close family and a few friends (not to mention I literally could not talk about it without crying...still kind of can't). I struggled with trying to act normal for my girls (especially Allie Kate). I struggled when people, who had no idea of course, asked me "aren't you so excited to have a boy?" and I would just smile and say "yes." I didn't want to even acknowledge I was pregnant because it came with that awful worry and I wanted to push it to the back of my mind. I struggled to pray...I pretty much just begged God to let it be a mistake and could not bring myself to be okay with it if it was not a mistake (I am still not okay with that...I want my healthy perfect child of course...just like every mom wants). On Wednesday I called my doctor almost in a panic attack literally sobbing and the poor nurse didn't even bother calling me back...My doctor did and told me she was sending me to a high risk doctor and that they could give me more answers. That brings us to current time...I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow for my high risk ultrasound. I am much more at peace than I was at the beginning of the week...it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact the God is in control. He knows every detail of my child's life and while I sit here and wait nervously He is at work forming my child to His standards. I am still nervous and I still want to hear good news but I trust in the Lord and He is where my help comes from. I cannot do anything to help my baby (and that kills me) but I know the one helping my baby is more than able.    
I am praying for good news tomorrow that there is no band.